By AMINA OMOIKE
A few days ago, while on the streets of social media (like the Gen Zs will say), I stumbled on a clip from the 1998 Nollywood movie ‘Diamond Ring’. People had a lot of comments on the video and someone suggested that a remake of the movie should be done. It then turned into an argument of whether or not a remake was necessary. More of the comments said it was best to leave the movie as it was. I totally agreed.
Most times, it is best to leave the past where it belongs – in the past. But this is where the ex-factor comes in. Nobody likes to be called ‘ex’ – be it ex-president, ex-governor, ex-husband, ex-wife. This is also where the whole struggle to remain in position comes from; and this isn’t just about political power, but being at the forefront of anything – from a relationship to a group.
I have seen a lot of people wishing they were in the ‘before’, looking back to yesterday. Even though many people don’t want to admit it, every time a person makes a statement that elevates the past over the future, then it is the ‘ex-factor’ at work.
The truth is that the past is often a big part of our lives, but in life, one can’t really make progress if one keeps looking back. It is the same thing with a relationship. A new relationship cannot really work if the demons of the past haven’t been dealt with.
Remembering the past is not such a bad thing – it can even help you plan better for the future. When you take time to remember where you are coming from, how far your life has changed, people that have contributed to making or marring you; you are better equipped to make informed decisions about your future. But the real problems arise when we choose to dwell on the past and all the mistakes therein.
Someone once said that the dark clouds of the past cover the sunlight of the future. It is like people who have been hurt, abused and mistreated in the past refusing to trust or love again. But you know what? Time actually heals! Over time, you will see that it makes great sense to let go of the past and look forward to a brighter tomorrow.
Most times, a hurting person has to be ‘pushed’ out of the past before he or she has the strength / courage to let go because at that time, there is no other choice.
This reminds me about the story of a lady I knew well who dated a guy for years and somehow, things didn’t work out. Though they had been apart for a while, she refused to move on; hoping that a miracle would restore their relationship. Unknown to her, that ship had sailed. Despite our pleas, she turned down every other guy’s proposal and continued to dream of a comeback. The young man got married and started his new family. Now, she is ready to move on. Unfortunately, all her ex-suitors have also moved on with their lives as well.
And that’s the thing about holding on to the past; it robs you of your joyous future.
In my recent sessions with hurting people, I have come to understand that the very first step to moving on from the past is forgiving yourself and others. This will help you release the weight of the past. The truth is that forgiveness is not easy for us humans, but it is a necessary and deliberate action towards healing. True forgiveness is about releasing any hatred and resentment towards the person who hurt you.
The second step is getting closure. Understanding the reasons behind the breakup can provide a sense of finality and help you move on – and hopefully, do better in future.
More importantly, it is imperative for people getting into new relationships, to know the reason their partner’s last relationship also ended. Please don’t get into a new relationship without being clear on why your lover’s last relationship ended. Whatever the case may be, it is essential as it helps you manage your expectations in the new relationship and not carry baggage from the past.
Never forget that “Sometimes the hardest part isn’t letting go, but learning to start over.”
