By AMINA OMOIKE
Dr James Dobson once said that ‘All that is needed to grow the most vigorous weeds is a small crack in the sidewalk’.
I was speaking somewhere the other day, and I said that most marriages are dead but still carry on like they are living. The real issues come to the fore when the house becomes an empty nest, and the children start leaving home. Then the couple will realise that they have just become housemates. The truth is that the marriage has been dying over time.
You know, marriage is a lifelong commitment and over time, the couple begin to drift away; even though they remain married.
One of the major killers of marriage is silent resentment. Silent resentment is an accumulation of unspoken anger and hurt that can damage a relationship over time. The major cause of silent resentment is not directly addressing issues. It is when feelings of hurt, anger, or disappointment are not openly communicated or resolved.
Silent resentment has to do with issues like unspoken anger, ignoring small issues, lack of communication, lack of respect and not appreciating your spouse.
Psyhcology professor, John Gottman who studies marriage stability and divorce prediction, says in his book ‘The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work’, that lack of appreciation is the seedling of relationship resentment. One example is that many new parents have experienced resentment after the birth of a first child. This resentment usually comes from the swift reality check they get from having to care fully for another human being.
A lot of couples, especially those who have been married for long, often nurse silent resentment. Unfortunately, many of those couples just ignore the feelings and continue living their lives. Sadly, while ignoring may allow peace to reign for the time being, over the years, silent resentment which is left unchecked will result in bitterness which is a slow poison in their relationship.
Another marriage killer is comparison. Comparing your marriage to other marriages is just an illusion. It is like comparing watermelons to pineapples. Which is better? Which is sweeter? Which is more nutritious? The truth is that there is no basis for comparison. You only see from the outside; you don’t see the behind-the-scenes, the struggles, the tears, the fights. From our interaction with social media, you probably know by now that people only showcase their successes and wins to the public.
Instead of comparing, focus on the good of your relationship. Invest in your marriage and practise gratitude. When you sit back to really focus on the positives in your relationship, you will realise that there isn’t really anything you are seeking outside. That your spouse has everything you seek; you just need to look deeply.
Lack of intentional pursuit is another killer of marriage. Romance dies, not because of time, but because of neglect. Intentionality is a major asset in marriage or any relationship that must work. You have to be intentional about your marriage. Husbands, intentionally pursue your wife. Wives, be intentional about courting your husband.
Intentionality even extends to things as simple as how you dress at home. Many married couples attribute their unkempt dressing at home to being free and unashamed before their spouses. However, most times, it sends the signal of ‘I don’t really care’.
Let me ask: When last did you change your nightwear – not just washing it but actually getting a new set of nightwear? When last did you change your hairstyle or touch up your look? We shouldn’t just dress well because we want to look good to the outside world. Looking good should start from within, your home.
Date nights are almost non-existent in many homes now. Understandably so, especially with the rising cost of living coupled with so many bills to pay. However, couples must intentionally do nice things for each other – little gifts for no reason, asking new questions, being curious about your spouse – don’t ever become overfamiliar with your spouse. Remember, overfamiliarity breeds contempt.
Someone once said that marriage is a union of two forgivers. If you can’t forgive, you can’t enjoy marriage and stay married. Your spouse will offend you at some point – and the reason is simple – you are the closest person to him / her!
Pride and the unwillingness to apologise is a major marriage killer. Pride will make you always want to win the argument. But in marriage, the goal shouldn’t be to win the argument or to be right, but to resolve the conflict.
Research has it that 69% of marriage conflicts are never resolved. Married couples will have misunderstandings over certain areas especially money, sex, extended family, work / career, parenting styles, physical appearance (including body weight and dressing) and chores.
One way to break the cycle of conflict is not to apportion blame. Your spouse is not the problem, you are not the problem either; the problem of the marriage is the problem – so deal with THE problem!
Although many might not believe it, but there is a major role God plays in the affairs of men, including marriage. God is the originator of marriage, and He is very concerned about marriages. So, when couples neglect God and their spirituality, it can kill the marriage. A couple that prays and worships together will most likely stay happily together.
This is why the issue of spiritual compatibility should never be taken lightly. Spiritual compatibility ensures you both are able to serve God together. It creates sync in your marriage and ultimately, directs the marriage and its fruits (children) on the God-ordained pathway.
Then, there is the issue of spiritual abuse – something I just learnt about. Spiritual abuse is when the oppressor tries to control and dominate the other partner using religious doctrine or one’s spiritual leadership role as a weapon. Usually, the abusive partner will twist the scripture and use it to attack such that the partner feels like she is sinning against God.
It is sad that most times, religious couples fall into this trap under the guise of wanting to be holy. We’ve heard weird things like some Christian men refusing to have sex with their wives because it will ‘weaken their spiritual power’ or ‘reduce their anointing’. Then you wonder why a lot of marriages are in trouble. A woman will spend days on end fasting, doing vigils, attending programmes and neglect her husband’s physical needs; then the same woman will turn around to say her husband has changed and is looking outside the marriage?! Spirituality must be balanced. Even the Bible talks about proper communication and agreement between couples whenever such spiritual exercises should be embarked upon.
Open communication, active listening, mutual respect, appreciation and commitment are important when dealing with these marriage killers.
Just like weeds, the best way to deal with these marriage killers is to uproot them from the roots. Don’t allow any of these in your marriage, as if left unattended, will ruin the marriage in the long run.
