By AMINA OMOIKE
The contents of the book titled ‘High Maintenance Relationships’ by Les Parrot inspired the thought that truly relationships (or friendships) should be two-sided. Relationships are like bank accounts – you cannot continue to draw from them without making deposits. If one person in a relationship becomes overdrawn and it stays that way for too long, the relationship won’t last.
Many a time, we are caught up in relationships that drain us of so much energy and enthusiasm. Other times, we give so much of ourselves and get nothing in return. You might keep second guessing your performance as a result of your partner’s reaction. Self-criticism is another characteristic of this kind of relationships.
The solution is working towards building solid relationships that are mutually beneficial. So how do you know that your relationship will do you both good?
One way is mutual enjoyment. You should be able to spend time together just for the joy of being together. One major key to mutual enjoyment is intimacy. By intimacy, I don’t mean sex. When I speak to some couples and I ask about their intimacy, they immediately start to talk about their sex life. The truth is that there can be intimacy without sex, and sex without intimacy.
Intimacy has to do with the connection and bond between two people. Intimacy involves spending time together, communicating effectively, faithfulness to each other, trust and the ability to play together. In this regard, there are different forms of intimacy like emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, intellectual intimacy, spiritual intimacy and sexual intimacy.
Unfortunately, many people in relationships think they are intimate because they are having sex. No! Especially for singles in relationships, sexual intimacy shouldn’t be ventured into as it beclouds the good judgment and reasoning needed to build a successful and fruitful relationship (leading to marriage). Don’t worry, I will talk about this in another article.
The second factor to know whether your relationship is good for you is mutual respect. Both parties must respect each other. The greatest need of any man especially in a relationship is not sex, but respect. When the Bible says ‘wives, submit to your own husbands’, it is very clear. Men thrive on respect, especially from their wives. So, a man might take any rubbish from his female boss at work, but not from his wife. Why? The respect from his wife comforts him and makes him feel valued.
Respect for the husband is not slavery or to belittle the wife, but an avenue to do God’s will in marriage. Respect can be in things as simple as asking for his opinion before you take certain decisions, letting him lead sometimes, saying ‘thank you’ when he does something around the house, complimenting him, and just generally letting him know you see and appreciate him.
So, what is a woman’s greatest need in a relationship? I have asked this question a couple of times and I hear responses like ‘love’, ‘money’, ‘stability’. While they are all important to women, the greatest need of a woman in a relationship especially marriage, is protection. Protection, not control. For us women, protection is actually a love language.
This is why when a woman has a flat tire on the road, or someone hits her car, the first person she would usually call is her husband – even if he is out of town! That is why a woman gets a nasty mail from her superior at work, she wants to first vent to her husband – not her colleague; even if the husband can’t reverse the query. Sometimes, that simple ‘where are you now? Okay, let me call the mechanic’ or ‘just take it easy’ from the husband, is enough to calm the situation.
Please men, know that once you are in a relationship / marriage, you are the woman’s literal ‘knight in shining armour’, that is why she will always call you.
Check in to make sure she is safe – whether she went to work or she’s out with her friends. Be her safe space emotionally by listening without judging (at least, not immediately). Just be present when she needs to vent because women constantly need to vent.
Protect her from ANYONE that disrespects her, even your children. This is where parenting styles come in. Sometimes, children can be heady and disrespectful especially when they become teenagers and young adults. In many homes, one parent plays the good cop, and the other is the bad cop. I have discovered from my sessions that this is one of the major causes of crisis in a lot of homes. So, the children misbehave and run to the ‘nicer parent’ who doesn’t really bother if the house is crumbling on them.
No doubt, many dads leave the upbringing of their children to the mothers like it is her sole responsibility; but that won’t work in today’s world.
Women have moved from being full stay-at-home mums to making a living to support the family’s finances. So also, parenting has become two people’s responsibility – and no, men, your role doesn’t start and stop after you provide for your family. Children (both boys and girls) need to feel their father’s presence and authority. In case you don’t know, this is another way you protect your wife.
I always say to women that the way your in-laws treat you is largely dependent on your spouse. Men are naturally ‘domineering’ so when your in-laws can treat you anyhow, your husband is either a Mummy’s boy or just weak. I know that there are some extreme in-laws that can’t be curtailed but as much as possible, protect your wife from them. This is not necessarily by keeping her away from your family, but they should know you are solidly behind her.
Don’t take major decisions without consulting your wife. When you allow her share the decision-making, she feels valued and secure. There is no major decision that has been taken in our home without my input and opinion – where we live, schools our children attend, and other things like that. It is important for mutual respect in marriage.
Then, men, please don’t leave your family’s spirituality to your wife. While women are usually the religious ones, it makes a world of difference when the husband takes charge. This one is beyond ‘you must convert to my religion’ It is beyond ‘you must start attending my church’. It is about spiritual authority. You should be the spiritual covering of your family. If you are a Christian, be the pastor of your family so that your wife is not running to her pastor every time she needs prayer.
I have seen a lot of discussions on social media about how women honour their pastors and imams more than their husbands. Go and check, it is most likely that the husband isn’t taking his place as the spiritual head of his home. You might not really blame the wife. Remember, women can be very religious.
Above all, there must be trust and reciprocity for any relationship to work. When you love, you should be loved in return. Life is too short to be stuck in an exhausting relationship. Your mental health is very important. You need to be well – not just physically, but also mentally – for those that truly love you and need you around.
Remember, it is never too late to start investing in your union. You can make it work.
